I'm leaving my ab class today from the gym and I just thought I needed to blog about my experience there over the past few weeks. This should serve as a form of entertainment and/or motivation for those who would like to continue reading. I'm posting no photos, just writing what is popping in my head.
So, a few weeks ago, I decided to get my butt back in shape in the gym. I use the term "back in shape" loosely, since I really can't pinpoint a time in my past where I actually was in shape. My best friend, Ariel, has served as some true motivation, here. Cheers to you, Ariel. #1, she is super mom, #2, she looks awesome. Okay, well, I can't be her fat friend, so in the gym I go :)
Here is what goes through my head (and please comment below if you have thought the same thing, or if you think I am just a complete lunatic):
"I'm a mom, of course I can handle a gym class! Labor was more intense. I mean, haven't I gotten sooooo much stronger over the past 17 months by lifting this child every day?!?! It really can't be that intense!"
I joined at Studio Fitness, which is exactly what I wanted and needed. Classes for all women and Childcare (to which my child views as the gateway to hell). She pretty much cries for an hour strait. That's for another blog. The classes which I have done so far are: Pump (weight lifting), Step, Combat (cardio) and Core Focused. Here is a look into my experiences so far.
Pump: "Okay, weight lifting. Awesome. How much weight do I need? I mean I'm a beginner." My teacher, Sam (more on her later) says to grab a blue and a purple weight (15lbs). ON EACH SIDE. Give me a little credit here people. Lunges, dead lifts, etc. I'm dying here. I was sore for like 4 days. My arms feel like jello and I want to take up that crazy sport where you toss the stick in the Olympics (javelin? ) and throw my bar out the window. I can see this in my head. Setting off car alarms because I've slammed it through someone's SUV windshield. This is what I think about when my biceps are on flipping FIRE! I look over at Ariel (she's in the zone). Steph is keeping up with the reps. I'm cussing in my head. Right now I'm thinking "I mean, I don't look THAT bad in a bikini, why am I doing this again?" But of course, I can't quit...my friends are here and Sam will surely call me out and probably make me do 50 lunges and enough alligator push ups to cover a football field.
Step: "Step. Okay, isn't this like step aerobics? Wasn't that popular in like, the 80's? Or was that jazzercize? Regardless, there are some older women in here, and if they can do it, so can I!" HA HA HA! Okay, so I did get through the whole class, HOWEVER, I can say that I got a few breaks. I get these breaks because I can't keep up with count. It does take some super coordination and counting like dance. And I never took dance or did anything physical for that matter. Just keeping up at this point is what I'm considering a win. Then I get a glance of my crazy-ass in the mirror and, in the words of Charlie Sheen, I am definitely NOT WINNING. Failing, in fact. I look like a monkey on crack. A sweaty one. At least I feel that way.
Combat: "I remember how tough this class was when I was a member before, but it's a great workout. This is what I need. Pounds lost, heart-rate up. It's Ariel's favorite, so it's gotta be good!" Let's just rewind to the uncoordinated sweat monkey mentioned before. It takes just as much coordination and I feel like a complete idiot! I don't care. I'm pushing through it. JAB! PUNCH! HOOK! KICK! (yes, this is now a Batman comic) I'm sweating from head to toe, through my shorts and last time I checked, I think I have snot coming from my nose as well. Oh well, if I stop, Sam's gonna say something. Last time she told me to "get my hand off the wall" when I was using it for balance. Mitzi got a break because she had a sprained ankle. Then she starts in with the "high knees" and "jumping". THIS IS HELL. First, I have the right hip of a 90 year old. Second, EVERYONE in the class can jump higher than me and can run faster or pretty much do everything better than me. Sam is yelling at me "Fallon, You can Jump!!!" I tried it. I knew what was going to happen, but I went ahead and did it because she's yelling. And there I just peed on my self a little bit. I mean, good thing I have on cotton panties under my gym shorts. I mean, seriously, these other women in there that have squeezed one or more watermelons out of their key-holes cannot tell me that they aren't peeing on themselves every time they land! GIVE ME A BREAK. So Sam is still pushing (not just me but everyone) and I'm thinking if I really give this my all and jump then she's just gonna have to get the wet-vac out to clean her carpets of urine, because I'm about to turn this floor into my own personal water closet. Way to go, me!
Core Class: "I could only go to one 30 min class today, so this is what I chose." Super great core workout, but in the middle of class I strait up start imagining Sam in her underground death basement making up this crap to twist and tangle our bodies through. We start doing this crazy twist-sideways jump thing and I ask her if she just sits around and makes this up. She laughed....which tells me she is as crazy as I thought she was....and now, I'm on to her and her death basement.
So there are just a few examples of what I've been going through. And the craziest part about it, is that I like it and I respect all the women in there for getting out and taking care of themselves. I will be the first to try to get anyone to join the gym, but I will also be the first to say that it's hard as heck!!!! I'd be lying if I said that every time I do a crunch I'm not thinking about making macaroni and cheese for dinner or how much I love Big Time Diner, but hey, at least I'm in there right? The ladies there do a great job and the good Lord gave me this body. This uncoordinated, sweat-monkey, good for nothing bladder of a body, and gosh darn-it, I'm going to keep my heart rate up! For my husband, for my daughter and for myself! Here's the deal though: if you are a WOMAN and you are in need of a laugh, they offer free 3 day passes. Come by and check me out. I'm awesome.
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