So, you may be looking at this photo, and nothing strikes you as different, unless you are a woman, in which you may be thinking "Gee-wiz that kid has got some major granny-panties" or "what's coming out of that poor child's pants?" If you would like to know, please continue reading, but I warn you, it's probably not the best time to be eating. Especially something like soup. :)So, our day started great! Church (SD was awesome in the nursery, thanks Annie and Aunt Tina) and then off to Foley for some family fun at the Outlet Mall. SD was a champion. Great shopping all day. One diaper change at J Crew. So, Sean and I decide to go to Bass Pro on the way home, and there seems to smell like there is either a skunk, or a small sewer spill in our backseat. I look in my diaper bag...no diapers. Really? Really. Honestly, I have made it almost 14 months of her life without this happening. Why here, why now?
We rush into Bass Pro just knowing I have a smelly surprise just waiting for me under those darling pink pants. I'm improvising in my brain what I can make a diaper out of...then I think to myself, this is Bass Pro Shop, they have EVERYTHING. NOPE. The restrooms are right outside the "home" section (yes, they have one in BPS, but honestly, if anyone of my friends decorated their home in camouflage and/or antlers and/or moose plates, we would not be friends anymore) and we stumble upon some hand towels. With decorative antlers. Awesome. And these are my husbands words "$5 for a towel?!?!?! NO. WAY." I'm thinking "Great, I'm going to change this horrible diaper, and I have nothing" So, I decide, surely they have one of those little machines in the bathroom and I'll improvise with a maxi pad. I AM SO SMART!
Okay, so I lay her out on the table, and voila! NO POOP! Dang, my girl was dropping some bomb toots in the car....I guess we were worried for nothing.
Here is where the turning point for normal parents would be, and this is what they would be thinking: "Hey, since my daughter is so gassy, this probably means this diaper is on the eve of utter destruction, we better get her home! The only diaper we have is on her and since it's Joe Cain Day, getting off the interstate to grab a diaper at a store would be complete chaos. LET'S GO!"
US: "Let's look at the fish and play on the elevator with our child."
Next stop: McAlisters. Hey, Gleason family. Awesome choice. Let's take more time to get home. Together you guys have the brain of a monkey. And there is where the volcano erupted. Full force lava. Red face, grunting, watery eyes, the whole nine yards. She couldn't even finish her pickle.
The smell hit my husband first. Then me. Good thing I had just finished my potato soup, or else we would have wasted our $3.50. And then I got a whiff. I knew what was waiting for me. Bad news first: (besides no diaper and 2 stupid parents) we have to wait to make sure she is finished. We are in the eye of the "smell of death" hurricane. Just waiting for the other side of the storm to hit. Good news: there isn't anyone else in the restaurant, so no one is loosing their lunch (or dinner).
I do the poo-poo walk (you know the one where you hold your baby at arm's length in front of you so you don't get any on your clothes) all the way to the bathroom, and of course it's almost out of the top of the diaper.
Here are my tools: 1. a toddler's shirt 2. wipes and 3. McAlister's napkins. Time to get creative. After I clean up this child I flip the shirt upside down and stuff my baby's chunky legs through the arm holes, only to have a large neck hole right on her bottom. Awesome. Then, a lady walks in the door. Awesome.
I mean, REALLY!?!?! Lord, you had given me such an awesome day with my family, I guess He just needed a laugh. She looks at me as I'm shoving my child's legs into an upside down shirt and stuffing napkins in the neck-hole to catch any urine on the way home. HOW HORRIBLE OF A MOTHER DO I LOOK LIKE TO THIS LADY?!?!?
Instead of taking my time and doing this the correct way, a million things start going through my head, like "Lady, don't judge me. You don't know what it's like to have 5lb diaper and nothing to change your child into!!!" So what if I'm stuffing napkins in her pants!!!!!"
Needless to say, the job was not done correctly, because I wanted to leave the restroom before this woman got a good look at my beet red face and took pity on this poor child and her stupid mom. So I high-tailed it out of there....and did not look back
But hey, we were still dry when we got home. The end.
No comments:
Post a Comment